I never thought I wanted children for many reasons, but the main one being I was just too selfish. Who wants to sacrifice hours of sleep every night for however long? Who wants their “me” time to pretty much disappear? Who likes cold tea/coffee? Who wants to spend the next substantial amount of years feeling tired? Who wants to be restricted to only going out with a kid attached to you? Who wants to have to stop what you’re doing to wipe tears, clean up sick/poo/snot, pick up multiple toys, find something else they can eat, search for the lost favourite toy? Who wants to not be able to do what you want to do when you want to do it? Have I sold it to you? Have I totally put you off?
It’s hard being continually needed. It’s draining, it’s full-on and it can be relentless. A few weekends ago we went glamping as a family for a dear friends birthday. Awena’s first tent experience! As you can well imagine sleep was not high on the kids’ agenda. It was loads of fun but there was one moment where I caught myself and reminded myself how privileged I am to be able to be someone to these little lives.
A common human desire is to have an impact on the world in some way or another. Some of us have great aspirations, some of us just want to do our bit. Have you ever stopped and reflected on who influences you? I did this the other day and was disappointed that my main influence at the moment was probably myself. Not necessarily a good thing. We learn by experience. We learn by copying. We learn by influencers. We may not ever make it big in this world (some may!) but is that what really matters?
As a kid, I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be noticed. Now I am noticed every day by two little darlings and all of a sudden I’m not sure it’s quite what I had in mind!! But, I’m noticed for a reason. I’m noticed because my two littlies think something of me. On our camping trip, a friend observed how Poppi ran straight past Daf all the way down the field to come and ask me something. Something only I could provide. Doesn’t that make you feel like you’re someone?
I may have had numerous interruptions to our idyllic camping breakfast (homemade cinnamon buns and fresh (not instant) coffee) but I wouldn’t change it for anything. If anything having kids has made me a better person. I have had to become less selfish which can only be a good thing. I am an influencer and I am noticed. I get to be something for someone. Have I put you off now?!
When Poppi was two I questioned if becoming a mum was the right choice for me. But if I hadn’t done it the world would have been deprived of two beautiful, fun-loving, joy-giving girls and instead be left with one selfish, only concerned about me, self-centred adult. I wonder which is better? Becoming a parent is a choice we may all consider at one point in our lives. For some of us, it’s a choice we don’t get to make (and that is unbelievably tough (and another blog)). But when faced with the choice do we ask ourselves who we want to be and who might help us get there? I can’t say I ever thought my kids would influence me, but I think they do.