Canvas of Life

After a chat with my family last night and having been asked the question “have you got any news” and finding the answer was “no, not really…pretty much same old, same old” I thought to myself, perhaps this week it is time to share some news!  If you read last weeks blog you would have seen at the very end that I dropped a little hint to the fact that I am pregnant (32 weeks)!  Now, I know a lot of you who read my blog will already know this, but for many, it is news…so there you go.  However, I thought I’d share a little about the experience, as trust me, it has been significantly different to last time, and not just in the way that I have felt.

Having almost given up on the idea of having a second child Daf and I discovered we were pregnant last October.  I had said to Daf, and God, if this hasn’t happened by the end of the year I’m done trying.  I didn’t want to get any older and I didn’t want the gap between Poppi and her sibling to get any bigger.  And so lo and behold, by the time 2019 was out I was well and truly pregnant.  We had a magical 12-week scan on Christmas Eve, which was very special and what made the whole thing feel real.  I remember the first time round feeling so nervous that they wouldn’t find anything there and that I was just feeling horrendous for no reason whatsoever.  This time I dreamt the night before that they found four in there!  Fortunately, there was only one.

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The pregnancy got underway as most pregnancy’s might.  Feeling incredibly nauseous, being put off by smells such as the laundry liquid and orange on your hands, and absolute exhaustion.  However, second time round not a minute to stop and take five.  Working and running around after a very busy four-year-old gives you absolutely no time to really acknowledge the fact that you are pregnant.  And so the weeks flew by much quicker.

Other than a bout of agonising SPD for the last month and Poppi’s surprise arrival, the first pregnancy was relatively straight forward and as far as labour goes, I cannot complain (sorry!).  This time, however, I find myself in the middle of a global pandemic and lockdown.  Naturally, I should be terrified.  I become labelled “vulnerable” and find that my husband is barely allowed to visit, let alone my unborn baby’s incredibly excited big sister.  Not to mention also, my mum.  There is time for things to change, but at the moment that is how it stands and therefore I should be feeling anxious and depressed.  But, what is the point?  What does worrying add to my life?  Nothing, but grey hairs.  The situation is unchangeable and the amazing NHS are doing everything they can to make these experiences as manageable as possible.  Many mums have done it already, and many will go onto do so.  If I’ve learnt one thing from my dear mother (and am learning as a mother myself) there is an amazing ability within to just get up and keep going.  I have looked at my mum so many times and thought, how can you be doing that now?  I’m exhausted, yet you just get on with it with no grumbling.  I believe that strength is within all us mummies, but we might have to dig deep to find it.  I have been blessed with an incredible peace during the latter part of this pregnancy and I thank God for it.  For any other mummies-to-be out there, may this be a ray of sunshine in these peculiar times.  Find that inner strength and go for it with all you’ve got.  Find determination.  Find peace.